still torn

This is a post that I have toyed with for a while, not knowing how to put it into words without just flat-out whining, but I'm going to try. I don't intend this to be a whine session at all. It is more that I just need to get it out, even if I have said most of it before. It's still eating at me and you are the ones who understand.

When I found out I was pregnant earlier this year, I had not intended, expected, or even wanted to get pregnant. I was as over getting pregnant as an infertile girl can be. I had tucked that desire neatly away in a small rarely visited part of my mind. It wasn't denial, it was coping, and it was working. When my husband and I got the surprise of our life with that blue cross (it was a blue cross, not the two pink lines that so many people talk about), it turned our world upside down. We were pretty freaked out. We visited the doctor a few times and everything seemed to be coming along just fine. It seemed like if it had finally happened spontaneously after all these years coupled with the fact that we were happy with our family and our lives, that it was fate, and we were meant to have another child. As we began to accept that, we started to settle into it and get excited and hopeful. We dared to discuss the future. We shared our surprise with our families. All along, I remained cautious, well aware that it could all disappear as suddenly as it had appeared.

And it did... but my cautiousness didn't save me or anyone else from hurting when we found out the baby had stopped growing. No I wasn't pregnant for very long and I didn't have that much time to really get attached to that baby. Hell, most of the time I felt like crap, so I definitely wasn't enjoying the act of being pregnant. I did, however, have time to start to hope.

Even though I no longer intended to pursue pregnancy in any way, when this happened, I was excited to think that I would finally get to experience pregnancy and birth. Though I became a mother without doing any of that and I wouldn't trade it for the world, there is and always will be a part of me that wishes I could. I can't wish that I had given birth to my son (though sometimes I do) because he wouldn't be who he is if I had.

Now that things are back to normal, I don't really think on it all that much. Little things will make it pop into my head and it makes me incredibly sad. The other day I laid my head on my husband's stomach and could hear his dinner digesting. It made me remember when the doctor was trying to find the heartbeat with the doppler and could only hear my stomach noises. A friend emailed a while back to say that she was 12 weeks pregnant with #2. I counted back and realized I would have been one week ahead of her at the time.

The thing I'm torn about is that I have to deal with feelings that I don't want to deal with anymore. I wish things were completely back to normal where I thought it was impossible that I'd ever get pregnant (because now I know it's possible). Part of me wants to do something to prevent pregnancy just so I don't have to wonder if might happen again and maybe stick around next time. It does help that we've put a time limit on the possibility, but last month my period wasn't even late and I was already suspecting I might be pregnant. I hate that.

So not only do I hold out greater hope that I could get pregnant again without medical intervention (not that I ever got pregnant with medical intervention), but I'm back to hating myself for thinking I might get pregnant. Most of the month I'm ok, unless something triggers those thoughts.

I was so happy to be past all of those feelings. I don't limit myself on anything I do (eat, drink, activity) and we don't actively "try" to get me knocked up, but it's there, in the back of my mind, those little thoughts. I know that my husband thinks about it and it makes him sad too. I haven't been able to move on completely.

Do you know what I mean? It's hard. I know that things don't heal overnight, but there's got to be a better to deal with these feelings when they come up.

prediction

I feel bad giving this train wreck any attention on my blog, but I have to get my prediction out there so I can say I told you so.

My name is Tiger.Woods, and I'm a sex addict.

You heard it here first!

sorry

I decided to delete photos. Sorry if all the old posts are coming up in your readers. You can just delete them all. I don't know why, but I feel like being a little more private. I know it's been going around. Have a lovely day!

it's the little things

The other night, my husband called me into our room to show me that the top drawer on my nightstand farts when you close it. It is a very realistic fart sound. We both giggled for several minutes. We giggle every time we hear it. It's the little things in life!

Have a great weekend everybody!!

nothing to say

I find myself lately unable to put down coherent thoughts for this blog. Sometimes I feel the drive to post, but I just can't post about anything. Often I start writing something and don't like how it sounds, so I quit. Everything is fine, but my mind has been jumbled lately. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't exercised regularly in quite a while other than playing soccer once a week. For some reason I can't seem to find the motivation. Laziness begets more laziness. My body and mind always feel so much better when I'm exercising. I've been eating crappy too.

There are things on my mind, but I can't write about them without sounding whiny, and I don't want to whine. I have a cold right now too, so I'm drowsy and congested. That doesn't exactly help my attitude. Therefore I have decided not to write a real post at this time. Instead I will just say hi. So hi!

yaya love

Ok, the title might sound a little dirty, but I'm actually talking about the lovely Yaya aka Alicia. Many of you probably already read her, but if you don't, you should. I guess I started reading her blog several months back. She shares so much of herself on her blog that you would think you know her personally. She offers love and support to anyone who visits her site and we need to give it back to her.

Alicia and Josh have been trying to start their family for many years, but they have really been through the wringer lately with a tragic death in the family and an adoption disappointment (I think). On top of that, the uglies in blogland apparently left some horrible comments. If you haven't stopped by already to give a little love and support, please do. I thought it might be nice to start a little wave of support for her, so feel free to post on your blog as well.

some good came out of it

I find myself wanting to write some more about my short-lived pregnancy. I'm not writing because I'm sad or because I want people to feel sorry for me, I'm just still processing it. I suppose I may never know why we had to go through this when we were (and are) happy with what we have. We know how very blessed we are. I'm going to focus on some positives of the whole experience.

One good thing that came out of this is that I can see just how strong my marriage is this time. During infertility stuff, our marriage was pretty weak. We stopped communicating and drew away from each other. We almost didn't make it back. During this experience, we clung together in disbelief and shock, then acceptance, hope, and excitement, and then through disappointment and loss. We kept communicating throughout it all and we leaned on each other. We experienced it together this time around. I know how lucky I am to have a good man.

Though we didn't end up with another baby, I did get to have some fun. We knew it was risky announcing my pregnancy so early to our families, but the opportunity arose when everyone in my husband's family would be around one weekend, which doesn't happen very often. Then of course we had to tell mine the next day. Also, it was too hard not to tell them and it seemed like it was fated. We had seen the heartbeat and this just came so out of the blue, that we figured all would be ok. It was fun surprising our families with the news and we came up with creative ways to do it. We wanted to be subtle and make them figure it out.

With my husband's family, we were getting together for his mom's retirement party. We bought her a gift and a card. In the card, my husband wrote "now that you're retired, maybe you'll have more time to spend with all 7 of your grandchildren." She only has six grandchildren. She read it, looked at him, and said "where'd you get 7?" Then she looked at me and asked if there was something I wanted to tell her. Everyone was so excited and there were lots of tears.

With my family, I had bought a t-shirt for D0n0 online that said Big Brother in Training 2010. We got together at my parents' house for my birthday and walked in carrying the boy. My SIL came up for the first hand-off. My mom said "oh what does his shirt say?" My SIL ended up reading it to herself and then looked at me and said "are you serious?" I nodded and told her to pass him to my mom so she could read it. Each person ended up reading it silently to themselves, then looking at us incredulously. It was cool to be able to see each individual reaction. There was a lot of excitement and tears that day too. I still have the t-shirt.

It was a dream come true getting to surprise our families with that news even though it didn't work out. I will always have fond memories of those days. My family was also there for me when we found out the baby was gone. I'm glad I can appreciate the loving memories that came out of this even though it ended sadly.

I know I have more that I will need to say in coming posts, but this is a good place to stop for now. Thanks for your continued support!

7 things

The lovely Melba and Jamie gave me the Kreativ Blogger award. Thank you kindly Melba and Jamie for this award. I would just like to say that I'm not very creative or Kreativ and I feel undeserving, but I will go ahead and go along with it because, hey, why not? I am honored that you would nominate me. So here it is, if you haven't seen it already:

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name seven things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated.

I always have a hard time coming up with something interesting to share, plus sometimes I like to be a little more anonymous, but screw it.

1. I sang backup harmony in a country bar band for about 5 months. We performed older country songs, the kind I grew up on and still love. It was a good time, but it ended badly (drama).

2. I don't like today's country music AT ALL. No offense.

3. I drive a used luxury SUV. We bought it because they are made well and it was a great deal, being six years old already. They are also very well taken care of by previous owners. I don't like to call it by the make because I think it makes me sound spoiled and pretentious, so I refer to it by the model name only. When anyone sees it, I always make sure they know we bought it used. It's just that we're really practical people and I don't want people thinking differently for some reason.

4. I've already said that I have four tattoos, but I'm saying it again because different people read me since the last time I did one of these. And yes, I'd like another one, but don't know if I'll ever get another because once you finally bring home a sweet baby, you don't spend a lot of money on yourself anymore!

5. I am a Dal.las Mav.ericks fan.

6. I have my ears pierced 7 times, 4 on the left and 3 on the right. I got grounded for my 7th piercing. Come on Dad, I could have pierced plenty of other things that would have pissed you off!

7. Two of my tattoos are on the middle of my back and two are on my right arm/shoulder. I feel like the extra earring on my left ear balances that out. Weird, I know, but it's hard for me to think of 7 things.

I decided the other day that instead of saying I'm weird, I'm going to call myself spontaneous, because that word is way more fun. Also, since this award has made the rounds, I'm going to be a non-conformist and not nominate anyone because I'm not sure who hasn't been nominated. If you're reading this and you haven't done it, please consider yourself tagged and please write about 7 spontaneous things about yourself.

Have a great week!